i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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