i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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