you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
