I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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