Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
