If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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