I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
