I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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