Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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