You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
