im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
