Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
