the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
