I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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