Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
