Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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