I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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