i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
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He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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