I just cut my nipple shaving
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
