Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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