Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Randomize
