Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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