I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
