When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
