I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
