Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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