Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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