i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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