He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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