Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
