omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
