Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
