Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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