Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
