i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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