I cockslap morals
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
