i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
