Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
