i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
