When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
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