In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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