I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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