someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
