He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
