just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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