i jhust puked up my retainher.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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