the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
