I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
