I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
