If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
