I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
