I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
