My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
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winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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