If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
