My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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