My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dignity is for republicans.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
