we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
