Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
