I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Mom said you looked used
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
