8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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