I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
