remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she pinky promised me she was 18
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
