true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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