Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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