if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
