Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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